ONE DAY AS A YOUNG BUDDING FILM SCHOLAR BORED WITH MY STEADY INTAKE OF ARTHOUSE BULLSHIT AND MIRAMAX OSCAR-BAIT SNOOZERS, IT HIT ME LIKE A SNIPER'S BULLET:

ALL I EVER REALLY WANNA SEE IS MOTHERFUCKERS GET OWNED.

WHETHER THE SUBJECT IN QUESTION IS GETTING SHOT THE FUCK UP OR BEING BEATEN WITH CUEBALLS IN HANDKERCHIEFS OR SUFFERING ABJECT HUMILIATION BEFORE THEIR PEERS OR WATCHING THEIR FORTUNES CRUMBLE BECAUSE OF ONE BRILLIANTLY EXECUTED STROKE, WHAT'S ALWAYS INTERESTED ME MOST IN MOVIES IS OWNAGE: THE DEVASTATING APPLICATION OF DECISIVE ADVANTAGE OVER ANOTHER. IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE. EFFECTIVE. EXHILARATING. CRYSTALLIZING. CLARIFYING.

THE SATISFACTION THAT QUALITY OWNAGE CAN BRING CANNOT BE OVERSTATED. THINK OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENTS. I BET A GOOD NUMBER OF THEM INVOLVE SOMEBODY GETTING FUCKING OWNED. THE MOVIES YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN? PROBABLY A LOT OF OWNAGE. ITS WHAT I PRIZE MOST IN MY ENTERTAINMENTS, AND SO RARELY IS IT EVER DISCUSSED AS AN ENTITY IN AND OF ITSELF. AND THAT IS A TRAVESTY. THE EXPLICIT EXAMINATION OF OWNAGE SHOULD BE A PILLAR OF CRITICISM, BUT INSTEAD IT IS A GAPING HOLE.

THINK ABOUT THE GREAT THRILLERS YOU HAVE SEEN. SUSPENSE. TENSION. WHY ARE THINGS TENSE? WHY ARE YOU IN SUSPENSE? BECAUSE SOMEBODY MIGHT GET OWNED. THE FUNNIEST COMEDY INVOLVES SOMEONE GETTING OWNED IN HUMOROUS FASHION. THE SCARIEST HORROR NATURALLY INVOLVES OWNAGE. IN ACTION MOVIES, IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING. EVEN ROMANCE CAN ONLY BE ENHANCED BY OWNAGE. YOU WANNA MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY? HAVE A COUPLE OF STRONG ACTORS WITH GREAT CHEMISTRY FALL IN LOVE ORGANICALLY. YOU WANNA MAKE A FUCKING AWESOME LOVE STORY? HAVE THE GUY BEAT SOMEBODY TO DEATH FOR HER.

Santino getting owned


AS AN EASILY ACCESSIBLE EXAMPLE, CONSIDER THE GODFATHER AND THE GODFATHER PART II: YEAH, EVERY NOW AND AGAIN SOME JERK-OFF CRITIC WILL WRITE A PIECE ABOUT THE GODFATHER, SAYING IT'S A STORY ABOUT FAMILY OR CAPITALISM OR THE IMMIGRANT EXPERIENCE OR SOME OTHER HORSESHIT, AND YEAH MAYBE IT'S ABOUT THOSE THINGS, TOO, BUT WHAT IT REALLY IS IS A TRUE EPIC OF OWNAGE. THE STORY OF A MAN FUCKED WITH BY A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES WHO WOULDN'T LIVE TO REGRET IT. AND ITS GREATEST PASSAGE (AND TRULY ONE OF THE GREATEST PASSAGES IN ANY FILM) -- WHEN MICHAEL DETAILS STEP-BY-STEP HOW HE'S GONNA OWN THAT FUCKING SOLLOZZO AND GOES ON TO DO EXACTLY THAT -- IS THE PUREST ESSENCE OF OWNAGE, BRILLIANTLY DEPICTED AND MASTERFULLY EXECUTED. THEY FUCK WITH HIM. HE WON'T HAVE IT. HE BLASTS THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS STRAIGHT TO HELL. AND THEN HE PAYS THE PRICE FOR HAVING DONE IT, WITHOUT COMPLAINT. IT'S SOME INSPIRING SHIT, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE THE VIEWER WHO ISN'T ON HIS FUCKING FEET OVER IT. IT'S WHAT MAKES THE GODFATHER MOVIES GREAT, AND PEOPLE ACT LIKE IT'S NOT EVEN THERE. THE ORIGINAL GODFATHER WAS NOMINATED FOR 11 ACADEMY AWARDS AND NOT A SINGLE ONE IS FOR BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN OWNAGE.

WHY IS ART NEVER DISCUSSED IN THESE TERMS? THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE IS APOCALYPSE NOW, AND IT IS NO COINCIDENCE THAT IT IS THE FINAL WORD ON OWNAGE. HAMLET, SHAKESPEARE'S GREATEST PLAY, IS A DIRE WARNING THAT OWNAGE SHOULD BE EXERCISED AS EFFICIENTLY AND EXPEDIENTLY AS POSSIBLE. THE EPIC POEMS THAT BIRTHED LITERATURE: ALL SONGS OF OWNAGE. IT IS A CORNERSTONE OF OUR GREAT CULTURAL WORKS AND SHOULD BE EMBRACED AS SUCH. IT CROSSES ERAS. CULTURES. MORES. EVEN LANGUAGES. IT BINDS US AS PEOPLE AND IS INTRINSIC TO THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE. SEVEN BILLION ASSHOLES ALL OUT HERE OWNING OR GETTING OWNED, ALL EXPERIENCING OWNAGE ON AN INDIVIDUAL AND HIGHLY PERSONAL LEVEL. EACH OF US MUST DECIDE TO OWN. NO ONE ELSE CAN MAKE THAT DECISION FOR US. EVERYONE — EVERYONE — CAN RELATE TO OWNAGE. IT IS ASPIRATIONAL ON ONE END, AND IT ELICITS EMPATHY ON THE OTHER. WHO AMONG US HAS NEVER SUFFERED GETTING OWNED? WHO DOESN'T THIRST FOR THE TRIUMPH OF OWNING?

OWNAGE IS UNIVERSAL AND CAN THUS BE UNIVERSALLY APPLIED. IT CAN COME AT THE HANDS OF A LOWLY SERF OR AT THE SPEARS OF FEARSOME LEGIONS. IT CAN BE SUDDEN OR PATIENT. IT CAN BE A ROUSING REVERSAL OR JUST ANOTHER EXHAUSTING INCIDENT IN A LONG LINE OF OWNINGS. CONSIDERED ON ITS OWN NATURE, OWNAGE IS WITHOUT JUDGMENT. WHETHER IT'S AS GLORIOUSLY JUSTIFIED AS HARRY CALLAHAN UNLOADING ON THE SCORPIO KILLER OR AS DESPICABLE AND HEINOUS AS GRAND MOFF TARKIN BLOWING ALDERAAN ALL TO SHIT, OWNAGE EXISTS APART FROM ALL MORALS AND VALUES. IT MAKES ITS OWN RULES. IT IS ITS OWN MASTER. IT IS AS NATURAL AS THE SUN RISING, A HURRICANE RAGING, OR A LION RIPPING AN ANTELOPE'S FUCKING HEAD OFF.

'Apocalypse Now': "THE FINAL WORD ON OWNAGE"

AND SO IT IS THAT I SAY NOT ONLY SHOULD FILMS BE ANALYZED IN TERMS OF OWNAGE, THEY SHOULD ALSO BE CONSTRUCTED ACCORDINGLY. IF THERE'S TALKING? IT SHOULD BE IN SERVICE OF OWNAGE. EXCESSIVE BACKSTORY OR OTHER DETAILS? IT SHOULD BE CONTEXT FOR OWNAGE TO COME. SINGING AND DANCING? WELL. THERE HAD BETTER BE SOME OWNAGE AFTER ALL THAT BULLSHIT IS OVER. BECAUSE I'M NOT HERE TO HAVE MY TIME WASTED. I WANT BLOOD, I WANT BRUTALITY, I WANT VIOLENCE, I WANT RETRIBUTION, I WANT HATRED, I WANT VENGEANCE, I WANT RUTHLESSNESS, I WANT MURDER, I WANT COMEUPPANCE. IN SHORT, I WANT OWNAGE. WE ALL WANT OWNAGE. IT'S MORE THAN VIOLENCE, MORE THAN DOMINATION, MORE THAN DESTRUCTION. IT IS OWNAGE. AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I INVITE YOU TO VIEW MOVIES THROUGH THE PRISM OF OWNAGE. BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS. EXPAND YOUR PERSPECTIVE, NOT JUST OF FILM BUT OF THIS MISERABLE FUCKING EXISTENCE. BASK IN THE OWNAGE.